The BET Awards

The BET Awards was the best awards show I’ve seen in a long time. I thought they did a great job of pulling a Michael Jackson tribute show together, and Jamie Foxx kept the laughs coming (he also found a way to insert himself into every three performances). But let’s get to the good stuff:

1. Keri Hilson is one of the prettiest performers around right now. That said, she should hone her skill: performing. Her voice was weak, and her dancing made me nervous for those around her. Things didn’t get that bad until the music stopped and she tried to lead the crowd in a sing-a-long of her song. First of all, like 40% of the people in the audience probably didn’t know the song. The rest probably just felt uneasy (sing-a-longs can be very intimidating).  She should just be a model and save everyone a lot of time and money.

2. In the middle of Jamie Foxx and T-Pain’s “Blame It” performance, Snoop Dogg miraculously made his way to the stage, where he galavanted around, singing the song, but not into the mic. Then he just disappeared. It was amazing. If Snoop just showed up at a performance of 42nd Street at the MUNY and walked across the stage, I wouldn’t hate it. He gets my swag of approval. (Travis Barker also came out at the end and killed it on the drums. It was a pretty sick performance.)

3. Soulja Boy performed, but out of respect for myself, I turned the TV off.b

4. Beyonce, once again, was not wearing pants. Figures. But it gets worse. There was a wind machine in action, to enhance Beyonce’s angelic beauty (?). Then, some servants came out to put a fake weird tulle skirt on her. It was time consuming and unnecessary, because the skirt was see-through…Then she started singing a medley of other people’s songs, including “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan. It was stupid.

5. Skank Robbers. Hell no? Hell yes! Starring Sha Na Na and Wanda. If you don’t know, you will.

6. It got real old school: Keith Sweat, Bel Biv Devoe, Tevin Campbell, Johnny Gill and the O’Jays performed. If you were born after 1990, you probably don’t know who these people are, but Monica and Maxwell performed too. No? Really? Wow.

7. T-Pain was wearing a monstrous diamond chain that read “Big-Ass Chain.” This is why I love him.

8. Drake was there (sigh).

9. Ciara sat on a stool and sang something. I don’t know, it was boring, so I got a snack.

10. Jay-Z did a surprise performance, but I was distracted the entire time by a strange border on the screen. Good job BET a-holes. If you’re gonna give one black person a border, you have to give all the black people borders.

11. Don Cornelius, the host of Soul Train, spoke for approximately 2 hours. Anyone under 30 got pissed off. No one knew what he was talking about.

12. TI‘s girl, Tiny, accepted his award for him. She looks like she stepped out of Lord of the Rings.

13. Johnny Gill mentioned a time he met Michael Jackson in ’83, and Michael said, “I like what you’re wearing.” Don’t worry, he imitated Michael’s voice. Party foul.

14. Drake did a thing. He just sat on a stool and rapped. It was so good. He was wearing such a nice red sweater.

15. Lil Wayne and crew sang “I Wish I Could Love (right) Every Girl in the World,” and a host of teens came on stage to dance. I called the police. Also, unrelated to the show, but I don’t understand how this song made it to the radio or why Weezy isn’t more picky. “In about three years holler at me Miley Cyrus”?. Inappropriate. “I’ll Kit Kat a midget”? If that’s what you’re into, I guess…”I exchange v-cards with the retards.” If someone happens to fall in love with someone who is mentally challenged, more power to them for follwing their heart. But don’t have sex with a retarded person just to say you did it. That’s offensive, and I bet he could have sex with a lot of non-retarded people. Not anyone I know, but a lot of other attractive hoes.

16. Janet went on stage and kept it very real. A very sentimental tribute followed. I cried.

17. Every black person watching was on Facebook the whole time, posting about it. THE WHOLE TIME.