Sky Mall is a wonderous airborne catalogue filled with more useless items than I have ever seen in a single concentrated location. I helped myself to the copy in the seat-pocket in front of me on my last flight (fret not, they want you to take it), and I have compiled a list of some of my most favorite Sky Mall items (please note that this is not nearly as entertaining as looking through an actual Sky Mall catalogue):
1. TRUCK ANTLERS: For just $24.99 you can stick foot-long antlers to the side of your car, or preferably pick-up truck, for a nice down home look. Nothing screams “class” like weatherproof molded plastic horns.
2. THE MARSHMALLOW SHOOTER: Again, just $24.99 for this gem. It shoots marshmallows, but “unlike other marshmallow blasters-it comes with an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for accuracy.” Other marshmallow shooters? Is this a thing now?
3. PORTABLE MICROWAVE OVEN: This puppy will cost you a cool $299.95, but, oh, if it isn’t worth it! If you can afford to spend $300 on a portable microwave, you should probably just go to a restaurant, or bring food with you that doesn’t need to be microwaved.
4. THE SHIRTPOCKET UNDERWATER CAMCORDER: This $200 underwater camera fits right inside your shirtpocket. It seems that this device is something that might be found in the duffle bag or pants pocket of predator. I pray that Sky Mall notifies the authorities whenever someone orders this one.
5. THE VOICE ACTIVATED R2D2: you are officially a loser if you spend $170 on this thing. Granted, it responds to voice commands, making it kind of cool, but if something like this greets me when I walk into your home, I’m turning around and walking right back out.
6. FIRE ESCAPE LADDER: I guess this thing makes sense. It’s $90, and you’re supposed to drop it from your window to escape in case of a fire. Yet the picture, that of a mother standing on the ground, while her daughter climbs down the escape, gives a different feel. It seems that the mother is forcing the daughter to do drills in order to increase her upper body strength, and stop flabby-arm syndrome before it starts.
7. HEAD SPA MASSAGER: It’s only $50, but it looks soooooo cool! This device was clearly made in outer space, and the model wearing it loves it. If you wear it in public, people will think you are a robot, and if I can be a robot for just $50, sign me up!
8. DESIGN TOSCANO: The most sophisticated section of Sky Mall is Design Toscano, which features stone figures for your home and garden. Some of my favorites are “The Zombie of Montclaire Moors,” a dead man clawing his way out ot the mulch in your front yard (or backyard, for those of you with a bit more modesty), “The Dragon of Falkenberg Castle Moat,” a frightening stone statue of a dragon breathing fire, and “Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti,” which is exactly what it sounds like. The items in this section range from $20-$895 (that’s right), and they are sure to add a sleazy, dreamlike feel to any home.
9. THE NECKPRO TRACTION DEVICE: For $55, you can hang your head in this thing, and I guess it helps your neck. If I actually saw someone using this, I would immediately rescue them and explain to them their self-worth. Things will get better.
10. GIANT CUPCAKE: I might actually respect someone for buying this. It’s an 8 inch cake pan shaped like a cupcake. A GIANT CUPCAKE. For $30, someone might as well buy it and have a little fun. The picture shows enormous sprinkles, but I don’t know where you get those.
There are, of course, hundreds of useless items in each issue of Sky Mall, but you’ll have to see for yourself. The pictures are particularly confusing and entertaining, and I hope to one day meet a Sky Mall model and find out how they ended up in that position. I would like to know what went wrong.
If you ever, EVER consider buying anything from Sky Mall, please remember that there are charities that could use the $300 you are about to spend on a water filter for your dog, that you could lose your job at any point, and the $150 you might spend on a machine that measures perfect shots could come in handy, and that there is a Target around the corner, at which you could find thousands of more useful items for a fraction of the cost.