Double Trouble

This is for Kaitlin.

People like to tell me that, because my mother is a twin (she has a twin brother, as does her older sister. That’s right, two sets of twins in the family. Unaccepatable.), I will give birth to multiples. Although there is some merit to this obnoxious suggestion, I pray each day that I do not spurt out simultaneous look-a-likes. If, though, my world is ruined and my life goes all “John and Kate,” I have a few ground rules:

1. Do not give your twins (triplets, octies, what have you) matching names. It’s bad enough that those kids look exactly alike, but you want to furhter confuse people by naming them Jen and Jan? You’re a jerk. My mother’s name is Louise and her brother is Louis. I know. The only thing that makes this almost permissible is the fact that they are fairly hard to mix up, as they are of the opposite sex. But you can’t guarantee that your opposite sex twins will not be totally androginous, especially when they are babies (because who among hasn’t told a woman how cute her son is only to find out he is a Lucy?), so refrain from naming them Nick and Nicole (because eventually, she’ll be a Nicki, and our worlds will be turned upside down). If I have twins I am naming them Eugene and Sunny, regardless of gender.

2. Do not dress your twins alike. identical-twinsLike the name situation, this only makes it nearly impossible for anyone to know which is which. Then there is also the issue of money. Twins, triplettes, etc. are all basically the same person. They are generally about the same size, so why buy three purple short sets when you can buy one and have them rotate? If I were John and Kate (before the rainfall), those kids would have one outfit each, and every day a new one would wear it. Even the older ones.

My non-existent twins will never wear the same outfit at once, because they are individuals, and because I will forever be too poor to waste money on two silly outfits, and because I probably won’t be able to tell them apart until one begins to make regretable life choices.

Many people may think that when the kids are still babies, it is the optimum time to dress them alike, because they don’t care, but there are much more exciting things you can do at this time. I plan on dressing my baby like a professor, complete with a bowtie, suspenders, slacks, monacle and blazer with elbow patches. Perhaps you will see me out one day, pushing a stroller inside of which sleeps a dashiki clad infant. But you will never see me with Double Mint twins.

3. Don’t have twins. I mean really, it would just be the worst. Two kids whining at you all the time. One wants to go to Disney World, one wants to go to Busch Gardens, and you want to go to Universal Studios. Just a royal pain. And just think, what if one turns out to be really pretty and the other, you know, not so much? You don’t want to have to deal with the ugly one and her crying all the time. So annoying.

Just stick to one. I realize, that sometimes this is not an option, but my plan, if (God help me) I have multiples, is to have audtions immediately after the last birth. I’ll lay them in a row and say, “Show me fierce!” and whichever can be the fiercest (without crying of course. crying is an immediate disqualification) will be my chosen child. I’ll give the other (or others) away to a deserving mother. This will be better for both the child and me. Mostly me.

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