Today, as I walked down the street in Brooklyn, an adorable group of children approached me. They were about 4 or or 5 years old, at most, and as diverse as a Benetton ad. But as made my way closer to the group, I noticed something a bit unnverving. This group of tots was tied together by a purple rope. Each tiny wrist was encircled by the rope, which was being steered from the front and back by adults (teachers posing as slavemasters). The tots seemed to be enjoying this little outing they were on, all of them singing some song about cigarettes.
What a hardcore bunch of miniatures, I thought to myself. I never sang songs regarding tobacco products, and I had certainly never been a part of something generally reserved for hard criminals. These children were a force to be reckoned with, and I respected that.
Now, many of you may be thinking to yourselves, “Self, isn’t there something terribly wrong with tying up small children and dragging them through the city streets?” To that I say, “Not at all.” I’ll admit, I was a bit concerned at first, but then I remembered my mother telling me that she had been 0ne of the dreaded leash mothers. Yes, I was once attached to a leash and strung through malls, groceries stores, and various other suburban locales. Looking back, I probably would not have made it this far had my mother not decided to pull me along like a Yorkshire terrier.
Apparently, she lost me once in a department store when I was about 3 or 4. She searched all over, only to find me posing beside a pair of mannequins. I didn’t even move when I saw her. Clearly, I was meant to be a model (or one of those silver people on the side of city streets who doesn’t move for a long time, then does, then expects you to give money), but that is beside the point. The point is that children need to be on leashes. I was among the tamer tots of the world, and yet I still found myself wandering aimlessly through Famous & Barr. Imagine where the real terrors might find themselves. I’m not saying these leashes need to go around the childrens’ necks (although it’s worth a shot), but why not get one of those trendy teddy bear backpack leashes, and show your kid whose boss?
Besides, who among us hasn’t seen a toddler wandering through the park alone, or been approached by a child in a restaurant, and been both annoyed and concerned about why the kid is traversing the land on his lonesome? Eventually, of course, the mother approaches, apologizing, and you say something like, “Oh no. She’s so cute!” when you’re really thinking, “What a neglectful mother. Get this heinous child away from me so I can finish my $5 footlong.” Let’s avoid all of this, and keep kiddies attached to Mom and Dad until they’re old enough to know not to talk to strangers.
Upon further consideration, I was glad to see the clan of Brooklyn children leashed. I’d rather they be all tied up than running wild in the streets, dodging taxi cabs and derelicts. And besides, they were having a fun playing prison. Why not foster their imaginations?
So don’t limit your leash use to Fido. Little Johnny is going to be walking soon, and you wouldn’t want him to get too far would you? Tie that kid up, and make life easier for everyone.