Stroll On

strollerI am becoming increasingly upset by the ever-growing strollers that are overtaking Hoboken.  It seems that regular sized strollers are no longer available for purchase. Their replacements are double wide, double deckers that are about the size of a PT Cruiser.

There is nothing more terrifying than seeing a 30 year old woman in spandex and pushing one of these things, her miniature baby sleeping in the middle, when suddenly an arm appears from below. My first thought is always that this yuppie mother is some sort of disgusting criminal, and then I realize that her stroller has two levels, and her able-bodied three-year-old has been stuffed below. Many questions arise in such a situation:

1. Why isn’t your child walking?

2. How much did this stroller cost? At least twice my rent, I’m certain.

3. Can we redesign this stroller so that it does not suggest murder?

Working in a restaurant in Hoboken has opened my eyes to another number of problems these Cadillacs pose. If you decide to spend your life savings (or two days pay, depending on whether you are me or them) on an oversized pushcart, please refrain from eating at fine dining establishments and then rearranging the entire floor plan, causing waiters and other patrons to find new and innappropriate ways to maneuver around your stroller. Your infant is tiny. Put it in a tiny thing. You are walking the streets of Hoboken, not travelling cross-country or off-roading. All the extras are unnecessary, really. So get over it, and come back to the restaurant when either your kid can walk or you hire a babysitter (preferrably the latter).

I imagine that one day soon I will see a stretch stroller rolling down Washington Street on a Saturday afternoon, filled with babies sipping Silk soy milk from individual bottles. The birthday girl (turning one) will have a diamond encrusted goblet that her mother keeps refilling. The babies will all clap and giggle with each top-off. The stretch stoller will be bigger than the SUVs that generally occupy the street, and several pedestrians will no doubt be injured by its gargantuan wheels (it will have rims, of course). Sadly, I, or someone I know, will likely be the sad soul pushing the stretch, for a measley $9 an hour. We won’t even get any of the Silk.

Let’s avoid these sorts of scenes and go back to the days, when the stroller matched the size of the baby. If your kid is unsettlingly large, then by all means, please push him around in a Buick stroller, but in Hoboken, the mothers start their infants on sushi and organic tangerines. These kids are fit and don’t need to take up the entire sidewalk.

My kid (in many, many years) will, without a doubt, be transported by way of burlap sack. The weaving of the sack allows for ventilation, in order to ensure that my child will continue breathing, and it will serve as an excellent trapezius or bicep exercise, depending on how I choose to hold the bag. I have a feeling that this will become a huge trend, and many mothers throughout the greater NYC area will follow suit, in order to show that they are not materialistic and to develop strong, attractive arms.


2 thoughts on “Stroll On

  1. Cori says:

    Lauren! You’re so funny. It’s surprising HUMMER doesn’t also make strollers. I’m enjoying reading your intellectual rants. New York City is so foreign to me! We should catch up soon–I want to hear more about your city adventures.

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