Last night, J. Lo (or Jennifer Lopez, to the less cool among us) made her return to the stage after having (shudder) twins. It was the American Music Awards, the third most lowly of music awards, and things were going well, until she fell right on the sweet, Bronx tuchus. Let’s review the sequence of events.
First, J. Lo emerges from the audience dressed as a sexy boxer (which I imagine was just a leftover Halloween costume). She’s acting real tough, all Jenny from the Block, and she throws a few wild punches upon her arrival to the stage. There is an announcer, and the crowd is cheering, and for just a second I wondered, “Is J. Lo about to engage in an actual boxing match? Should I be concerned?” That’s how authentic this nonsense was.
Behind Jennifer were about 8 fit young men clad in short enough boxing shorts and nothing else (shoes maybe? boxing gloves?). Now I was paying attention. The group of them made a glorious V-formation on the stage and executed some stellar pseudo-hip hop dance moves. “Get ’em, girl,” I thought, as Jenny brought it back to her Fly Girl days, supporting my opinion that she is a much better dancer than Beyonce, and perhaps, just maybe even a bigger diva. I said it. Calm down.
What really got me going was the chorus to her latest single. “Puttin’ on my Louboutins,” she sang with vigor. The song was about her “man” or someting giving her the cold shoulder, or just being a general loser. So what does J. Lo do? The same thing we all do. Am I right, ladies? How many times have you felt jilted, only to say, “You know what, girlfriend? Forget him! I’m gonna put on my $1,000 heels and dance! Or maybe just stand, because it seems rather impossible to dance in 6 inch heels made entirely of diamonds.”? I bet you’ve said it a lot. I know I have.
So anyway, J. Lo and her herem of shirtless men give this loser the proverbial finger, and dance their sorrows away in shoes that could feed an entire Sudanese village for months. Things are looking good until the men form a mountain of sorts. J. Lo takes to the mountain like a skilled outdoorsman and reaches the top victorious. Phew, right! Wrong. How is she going to get down? Well, she’s going to jump.
As J. Lo flings her 40 year old body into the air, something goes wrong. Maybe the stars were not aligned, maybe J. Lo had divaed someone horribly earlier in the day. I don’t know. In any case, she hits the ground, undoubtedly causing a stunning bruise on that infamous donk. But before anyone knew what had happened, she was in the middle of a dance breakdown. A true professional.
The rest of the performance was stellar. I think Ms. Lopez knew she had to really work it after that major wipe out, and oh, did she ever. She kicked it harder than any 18 year old dance team member I’ve ever seen, and at some point she was wearing a completely different outfit. Oh, she never left the stage. The herem boxers did it…but when?
This performance taught me a few lessons:
1. Never have twins.
2. Don’t climb a mountain of men in Louboutin heels. Christian Louboutins are fashionably useless footwear for sitting and light standing. Change into Uggs first. Then climb the men.
3. Avoid major leaps while on network television.
Thank you, J. Lo, for showing that women can “bounce back” from anything, no matter how utterly and completely embarassing. Thank you for proving that 40 is the new 38. Thank you for repping the Bronx so hard core*.
*Lomo has no affiliation with the Bronx. Her thoughts in no way reflect those of the Bronx.
Also, thank you, Mom, for calling me this morning to ask if I’d witnessed this fiasco and ordering me to Youtube it. Always keepin it real.
Watch it here: