2009 was disappointing at best. Sure, the first black president was inaugurated, but we elected him in 2008, and wasn’t that when we were truly excited? By early 2009, America still had a crush on Obama, but her heart didn’t go pitter pat like it had in Novmber. Now America and Obama are official. They’re going steady. In November 2008, there was still that question of where they stood. It was exciting. America doesn’t even do her hair anymore, and when was the last time Obama whispered to America, “You smell nice?” (I heard America is pregnant, but keep it on the low low).
1. Beyonce’s missing pants: In the 2008 “Single Ladies” video, we all just thought Beyonce was being cool and slutty by dancing around in a leotard and high heels, but by 2009, the American people began to fret. “What happened to her pants?” we all wondered, as “Sasha Fierce” produced upwards of 20 music videos without pants. Jay-Z was questioned, and her mother Tina Knowles was held in custody for a week, but they have both been released. NO ONE knows where Beyonce’s pants are, and with this intense winter, I for one am beginning to worry. Please, if you know anything about the whereabouts of Beyonce’s trousers, contact the authorities.
2. Balloon-gate: First of all, let me state how stupid it is to model every scandal after Watergate. That said, Balloon-gate was the biggest joke since the Black Jack Taco (or Negraco). What better way to prove how idiotic the American people are than to tell a news team that your son is floating through space in a balloon. Raise your hand if you fell for it. That’s what I thought. Did everyone forget about the 2003 film “Danny Deckchair?” Hello! Well, clearly know one saw that movie, but it’s not dissimilar from Balloon-gate, and if you saw that movie and still believed those fools, then you are doubly stupid.
3. Jon minus Kate: Jon Gosselin better be glad TLC paid him well for that ridiculous show about how he and his ex-wife ran a child farm, otherwise no girls would have any interest in him. Let’s face it, if any other heavyset thirty-somthing in an Ed Hardy tee hit on a 22 year old, she would pretend to be hearing impaired and simply walk away. Jon, I hope that 2010 brings you better taste and a clue. Get off of my TV and out of my beloved gossip magazines.
4. Tiger Woods has sex with everybody: Tiger, what were you thinking? Are they not always waiting for us to fail? You were doing so well. And then, you did it with every girl in the northern hemisphere. WTF? Chicks were rising from the dead to announce that they had slept with you. I’m not gonna lie, I had to ask myself if I had. I’m still not sure, although I’m not white, so probably not. Good work Tiger. You really are a jungle cat, aren’t you.
Of course there were many other atrocious things that happened over the year (millions of college students graduated into a world devoid of jobs but chock full of internships and volunteer opportunities…), but who has time to list them all? Not I, so I shan’t. But all I can hope in regards to next year is that someone sews Beyonce a fine pair of slacks, and that she, Jon and Tiger depart upon a mysterious balloon trip that doesn’t return until 2011.