Just a week after it was confirmed that Beyonce was knocked up, she was seen downing bubbly like it was her job at party for Jay-Z. Either she needs to read up on the do’s and don’ts of pregnancy, or the fine people at TMZ have made a mistake.
But who would start a rumor about Beyonce being pregnant? BEYONCE!
My theory is this: Beyonce hasn’t had much publicity since she put her pants back on. But do you know what people are talking about? Babies, the soon-to-be smash hit documentary about BABIES! Beyonce got jealous of those babies and devised a plan.
For the next nine months, Beyonce will send the paparazzi mixed signals about her “condition.” One day she will be seen shopping for strollers; the next day she will be shooting heroin with Billy Crystal behind a Taco Bell. It will drive the photogs crazy. Is she or isn’t she?!
At the end of the nine months, Beyonce will drop an album entitled “I am My Own Baby.” The cover will be a picture of Beyonce dressed as a sexy baby. She will thenceforth adopt a duel persona, as she has done with Sasha Fierce, only this one will be more confusing and disconcerting. She will appear on the concert stage as Beyonce, then she will announce that she is going to get her beautiful baby girl, Bebe. She goes back stage, then out walks and oversized baby in stilletos with a weave that is out of this world.
“Beyonce’s baby is beautiful!” people will say, as the baby struts in front fans, giving the eye. Bebe will make baby noises instead of singing actual words. Hipsters, for some reason, will get really into Bebe.
I’m on to you Beyonce, and your baby that is actually you. It’s not cute, and it’s not funny. It’s just a new excuse for you to take your pants off.