Nails by Serena

Thanks to a tip by the ever-loyal Lo Down reader K.Mo, I got wind of an exciting new piece of information: Serena Williams,multi-millioaire tennis champion and uber-muscular beast, is training to become a nail technician. While Kaitlin is certainly a trustworthy source, I thought I should do some extensive research on the topic, so I Googled it, and indeed, New York Post and (aka my bible) confirmed the scandalous rumor to be true.

“No one likes getting their nails done more than I do,” Serena told the Post. “I go every four days to get a manicure and every seven days for a pedicure. So, I had a brilliant idea to get certified to be a nail tech.”
First of  all, Serena, how many times do we have to go over this? “Brilliant” is like “good.” 
Secondly, if you’re getting your nails done that often, maybe you should just get your nails surgically replaced by acryllics. You would probably save money in the end, and you wouldn’t look like such an idiot going into the nail salon twice a week.
Also, liking getting one’s nails done is no excuse to train to be a nail technician. I like shoes, but I’m not about to apprentice with a cobbler. I don’t need to make my own shoes. And what is your master plan anyway? Are you going to do your own nails? None of this makes any sense, Serena. We are all very, very confused.
According to the Post, Serena has won over $30 million in tournament prizes. If I had that kind of money, I wouldn’t learn how to do anything. I would invent things, stupid things, and make other people  learn how to do them.  I would go to San Tropez with Kim Kardashian and pick up French models. I certainly would not learn how to do people’s nails. I think that would actually be the last thing I would consider, next to getting my MBA.
And if you just have to learn something, why not make it something you’ve always dreamed of doing, because you are a MILLIONAIRE! Go to culinary school. Study Italian in Florence. Start your own clothing line (a-duh! it’s a celeb go-t0). Most ordinary people don’t even consider being nail technicians.  I mean, look at that outfit. Tennis skirts are much cuter
But what do I know? Perhaps this was her life-long dream, not conquering the tennis world and making more money than all of the people I know and their parents combined.
I wish you well in your endeavors, Serena, but if you fail (and you will), know this: You would have never won $30 million dollars doing French tips. Never. Count your blessings and stay away from my nails.