As many of you may have heard, we have a vacancy in out apartment. There is supposedly someone filling the space (although that could all change once she learns about my rage blackouts…), but I thought I’d set up a roommate audition to be on the safe side.
The audition will be hosted Jagged Edge clad in silken sailor uniforms. The event will begin with the gents singing “Promise,” as it is a sensual and romantic song, which is the vibe I like to extend to strangers entering my home. Also, because the winner/Chosen will sign a contract, making a “promise” not to leave before through Jan. 31.
Just as they finish, I will emerge from my room wearing a leotard made entirely of emeralds (my birth stone, duh!) and stilleto sandoots (those sandals that are kind of boots). My hair will be wrapped in a turban of 5 euro bills.
“Welcome,” I’ll say to the room of eager young women and Spencer Pratt, who thought that by wearing a tube dress I wouldn’t notice that he wasn’t a female, as my Craigslist ad specified thrice.
Once Spencer leaves, we will begin. I’ll sit on my throne and ask Jagged Edge to escort the women from the room. One by one, each member will re-enter with a contestant. I will pull a lever to eliminate the girls when they answer incorrectly, or look me in the eye. The process will go as follows:
1. What is your name? (Dumb name=EJECT!)
2. Are you tall? (No=EJECT! I don’t have time to help anyone reach high items all day)
3. What was the first thing I said? (Any answer will do, as I will have forgotten by then)
4. Hom many woods, could you chuck…(I’ll skip that one, because I can’t say it)
5. Have you ever been to New York City? (No=EJECT! I’m no tour guide, and I just won’t be able to deal with over-enthusiasm)
6. Do you think I’m pretty? (No=KILL!)
7. Are you a sleep-eater? (Yes=EJECT! I count my Trader Joe’s toasted O’s every night before bed, and if even one O goes missing, there will be hell to pay)
8. Do you like popcorn? (No=EJECT!)
It will go on like this until there are only 5 contestants left., at which point we will begin the swimsuit competitoin. Anyone who looks better than me in a swimsuit will immediately be eliminated.
Next Jagged Edge, now wearing knight costumes, will bring the girls in while singing their smash hit, “Where the Party At?” (Gramatically incorrect, but so much fun). Once the wenches are seated in front of me, I will give them their final task, to choreograph a dance dedicated to me, choosing an appropriate song (I imagine an uncomfortable number of them will choose “OMG” by Usher). Whoever has the sweetest moves will the The Chosen One. (I imagine a robot will signify an immediate win)
I’m kinda banking on the new girl bailing on us, since I’ve already rented Jagged Edge for the entire first half of August.