The Audition

As many of you may have heard, we have a vacancy in out apartment.  There is supposedly someone filling the space (although that could all change once she learns about my rage blackouts…), but I thought I’d set up a roommate audition to be on the safe side.

The audition will be hosted Jagged Edge clad in silken sailor uniforms. The event will begin with the gents singing “Promise,” as it is a sensual and romantic song, which is the vibe I like to extend to strangers entering my home. Also, because the winner/Chosen will sign a contract, making a “promise” not to leave before through Jan. 31.

Just as they finish, I will emerge from my room wearing a leotard made entirely of emeralds (my birth stone, duh!)  and stilleto sandoots (those sandals that are kind of boots). My hair will be wrapped in a turban of 5 euro bills.

“Welcome,” I’ll say to the room of eager young women and Spencer Pratt, who thought that by wearing a tube dress I wouldn’t notice that he wasn’t a female, as my Craigslist ad specified thrice.

Once Spencer leaves, we will begin. I’ll sit on my throne and ask Jagged Edge to escort the women from the room. One by one, each member will re-enter with a contestant. I will pull a lever to eliminate the girls when they answer incorrectly, or look me in the eye. The process will go as follows:

1. What is your name? (Dumb name=EJECT!)

2. Are you tall? (No=EJECT! I don’t have time to help anyone reach high items all day)

3. What was the first thing I said? (Any answer will do, as I will have forgotten by then)

4. Hom many woods, could you chuck…(I’ll skip that one, because I can’t say it)

5. Have you ever been to New York City? (No=EJECT! I’m no tour guide, and I just won’t be able to deal with over-enthusiasm)

6. Do you think I’m pretty? (No=KILL!)

7. Are you a sleep-eater? (Yes=EJECT! I count my Trader Joe’s toasted O’s every night before bed, and if even one O goes missing, there will be hell to pay)

8. Do you like popcorn? (No=EJECT!)

It will go on like this until there are only 5 contestants left., at which point we will begin the swimsuit competitoin. Anyone who looks better than me in a swimsuit will immediately be eliminated.

Next Jagged Edge, now wearing knight costumes, will bring the girls in while singing their smash hit, “Where the Party At?” (Gramatically incorrect, but so much fun). Once the wenches are seated in front of me, I will give them their final task, to choreograph a dance dedicated to me, choosing an appropriate song (I imagine an uncomfortable number of them will choose “OMG” by Usher). Whoever has the sweetest moves will the The Chosen One. (I imagine a robot will signify an immediate win)

I’m kinda banking on the new girl bailing on us, since I’ve already rented Jagged Edge for the entire first half of August.

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Lenny’s Eye (and other celebrity oddities)

Emma’s brother and his girlfriend stayed with us this past weekend, and while out getting a slice of pizza, they ran into Lenny Kravitz. What a treat! Pizza!

Beast!

They seemed very excited about both the pizza and the Kravitz, and Emma’s bro’s gf, Kaitlin, was not shy to mention that Lenny seemed to have a “crazy eye.” As I scrolled through the Lenny Kravitz folder on my computer—I mean…when I think to the few times I have accidentally come across photos of him, by accident, and not because I have a file dedicated to him, it appears that he is normally wearing sunglasses. I did some thorough investigation, Googling his name, and there are several blogs and forums that confirm that he does indeed have a crazy (or lazy) eye.

Here are some other celebrity ailments and disorders that few people know about. These are all completely true. I did not make these up:

  1. In college, Anne Hathaway got into a pretty sever bar fight. All of her teeth are made of Model Magic.
  2. Jay Leno is completely deaf
  3. Each of the Olsen twins only has one fallopian tube.
  4. Ellen DeGeneres is allergic to nuts, but not legumes. A peanut is a legume. (Lucky for her, because peanuts are her favorite ballpark snack!)
  5. Justin Bieber was born without legs. Both of them are prosthetics. (You’d never guess with those sick dance moves!)
  6. Betty White suffers from chronic feminine itch.
  7. T-Pain has a lisp, which is why he speaks in autotune.
  8. John Leguizamo is a vampire.
  9. Al Roker was born without fingernails.
  10. Toni Braxton was in a devastating Segue accident in 2003. The only living creatures she can see are dogs.
  11. Salt of the famed female rap ensemble Salt N Peppa was born with two tongues. The second was removed when it proved to be a handicap in the rap industry.
  12. Dakota Fanning has rabies.
  13. Joe Biden’s torso is made of cardboard shoe boxes. No one knows why.
  14. Shaggy has a special device that holds his head up, because he cannot do it on his own. You know, like a baby.
  15. Lady Gaga is completely healthy.

You see, celebrities are just like us. Their lives aren’t as wonderful as the media leads us to believe. Sure, they are better looking, richer, and much cooler, but at least you don’t have a crazy eye, am I right? (apologies to anyone reading this who does have a crazy eye)

Train-spotting

One of my favorite things about living in New York is riding the subway. Some of you prefer to spend Kardashian amounts of money and cab it (I will spare you, omitting your names, but you know who you are, and you know that I judge you). Sure you get to where you need to go five minutes early and have the opportunity to spend some alone time with the other person (or three other people, for those on a budget), but what is that worth? It’s like people who spend tons of money in the VIP section of a club. Isn’t it more fun to mingle among the common folk and fight your way to the bar? The dance battles and fights don’t happen in the VIP.

Some mornings I wish I could avoid the crowds, the metal poles (do you think you would die if you liked one? I think yes), the humid wait on the platform, but then I remember the thing I love: crazy people. Creeps, freaks and weirdos are my motivation, and on this the 5th of July, I salute them.

On Saturday morning, I was on a Brooklyn-bound 2 when I took a gander to my right. What should I see across from me, but a crazy. Score. This fellow sat elbow to knee, fist to chin, with the biggest smile I have ever seen, staring directly into my eyes. He seemed almost murderous. I looked away, thinking that perhaps I was getting ahead of myself. How vain to think this man was enamored with me. I looked back. Same position, same smile. Maybe this was just his “off in a daze” face. I looked down, watching him from the corner of my eye. I could still feel his gaze, but tried to ignore it. About five minutes later I glanced over to see that he was looking elsewhere. I did an internal wipe of the brow, only to see him strike his stalker pose at lightning speed. There it was again. That God foresaken smile. It was like he was a robot. Luckily, my stop approached, and I was able to escape his Satanic stare, but I like to imagine he sat smiling like that for the rest of his ride.

A few months ago, I was riding the 3 when an apparently inebriated gentleman with a bag of popcorn walked through the doors. It was about 7:30pm. He seemed to have trouble getting the popcorn into his mouth, missing about 50% of the time. Eventually, it seemed like his feet were having trouble holding their place. His legs would slide apart as he munched his snack, but he would eventually regain balance and start anew. At one point, as he continued to “eat” his popcorn, he slid down into a center split, no simple feat indeed. I looked around to see if anyone found this as strange as I did, but it seemed that the other onlookers were trying their hardest to ignore this fellow. I respected that, but continued to watch him, as he struggled to make his way back to standing.

There is also the man who walks through trains shouting in a theatrically loud voice, asking people to donate money so that his fund can feed hungry and homeless people. Specifically, he mentions “the fried chicken.” I think their must be something less stereotypical this large black man can advertise, but I applaud him for his efforts.

So for those of you who find it necessary to take cabs around the city, consider what you are missing. Does anyone in your taxi offer you fried chicken? Does anyone do the splits? Does anyone stare at you for an unacceptable amount of time? I hope that your answer is “no,” but I also hope you take this post as sign. Save some cash and ride the subway. You’ll have more money for falafels, and you’ll have great stories to tell.