Some of you loyal and devoted friends may have noticed that I did not post this past week. I could make up a story about how Gayle King kidnapped me and sent me to outer space, but I actually did not see Gayle at all this week, save for reading an article about why she has turned down “Dancing with the Stars” numerous times (I read the article three times, and I still don’t understand how she could make such a mistake).
No, the truth is…I had a cold. Stay calm. I’m fine. Sure, I’m a little shaky from all the DayQuil and soup, but I’m regaining my strength, and soon I’ll be juggling babies just like the old days.
Something miraculous did occur last week, however, and I think tonight (just before election day) is the perfect time to tell you. I met Jimmy McMillan, the leader of the Rent is 2 Damn High party, who has admitted to not actually paying rent at all. I did not see Jimbo. I met him.
He had on a top hat kind of deal when I saw him. Subtle.
I was walking up 6th Avenue around 19th street on Friday afternoon when I noticed a tall man with alarming facial hair standing outside of Men’s Warehouse. I was reaching for my pepper spray when I realized that I knew that facial hair. McMillan’s face has been all over the New York paper’s, and Kenan of Kenan ‘n’ Kel fame even plays him on SNL (side note: what happened to Kel, the funnier one?). And there he was standing before me like a statue of chocolate and hair. For a moment I thought it was someone in a Halloween costume, but the beard was too…right. I gave him a few glances, but he didn’t really do anything, so I just kept going.
Naturally, I needed to call my mother. “Go back and take his picture!” she commanded. When I told her that was weird she pointed out that he probably wanted someone to notice him, and well, no one was. So, after withdrawing $20 at Bank of America (why would I EVER need more than that?), I headed back to MW.
But alas, he had vanished. Oh well, I shrugged. Just then, I looked up to see him standing on the corner. We made eye contact, and I began to turn the corner.
“Hello!” he shouted. I turned around. “I saw you lookin’ at me!” The single most beautiful thing one human being can say to another. “You know who I am!” And that one, I’m just going to use for fun. I walked over and smiled.
“Rent is too damn high,” I said.
“I could tell you knew who I was,” he said, reaching out his gloved hand. “Jimmy McMillan.” We shook.
“Lauren,” I said. “Nice to meet you.”
“They made a big mistake,” he said. Oh no. Should I have grabbed the pepper spray? “I can’t believe they made a celebrity out of me. Why would you give a fool a million dollars?” That’s one tactic to use as a politician. “Now they got me out here shoppin’.” He lifted up his tiny bag from men’s warehouse. I imagine two pairs of socks were inside. “I’m out here shoppin’ at Men’s Warehouse!” I shook my head in commiseration and confusion. “Are you going to Brooklyn?” he asked. There was a black Lincoln near the curb with a woman next to it waving him over.
“Later, but not right now, thank you,” I said. I should have just gotten in. I should have invited him to come to BAM with me and see Empty Moves by Ballet Preljocaj later that evening. This is the sort of regret I will never get over.
“Come on,” the mean, evil woman shouted, waving harder and crazier.
“Well, I gotta go, but vote for me on November 2nd. Jimmy McMillan. Tell all your friends. Spread the word.” We bade each other adieu, and off we both went.
And so now, I am keeping my promise to Jimmy McMillan and inviting you, one and all, to vote for him tomorrow. He is a self-proclaimed idiot who has created his own political party with a number replacing a word in the title, but isn’t that why you should vote for him?
Ten minutes later, I saw Kourtney Kardashian’s ex-boyfriend Scott standing outside of a hotel in casual attire, being a general jerkface to someone on his celly. It was the most D-listastic day of all.
If you did not click the link above, please do so here, if only to listen to McMillan’s hot new track: http://www.rentistoodamnhigh.org/