Hazelwood, MO is a place all its own. I was pleased to see some nice changes when I came home, like the giant model elephant at the used car dealership and sign advertising 99 cent tacos at Churches Chicken (why didn’t they think of this sooner?!). It’s true. Hazelwood is anything but refined, and this fact was confirmed upon my arrival to 7 Eleven yester-eve.
My mother needed to get gas, so we pulled into the station. As I walked inside to pay, I noticed something awry. There was a woman standing at the Red Box outside of the 7 Eleven. She was wearing a coat, that came just below her butt. She was not wearing any pants.
My best guess is that this lady was just chilling at home, doing some crank, watching some E!, when she decided what she really needed was an immediate screening of Just Friends starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart. There was no time to lose. No time for pants. She threw down her pipe, went to the shed to wake up her boyfriend/cousin, and they hoped in the Pontiac.
- It is winter. The temperature has been in the twenties ever since I arrived on Friday. When I am outside fully clad in my coat, hat, and boots I am cold.
- When one leaves the houses, one should wear pants (unless one happens to be Beyonce or Lady Gaga, in which case one must NEVER wear pants. EVER!).
- Red Box is a privilege that shouldn’t be abused. Red Box contains a bevy of DVDs , from romantic comedies to family comedies. And regular style comedies. If you can’t treat Red Box with respect, then maybe you don’t deserve Red Box.
Now I hope to god this junkie found the flick she was looking for, because she was standing at that machine for a good five minutes. It’s highly likely that her brain was running at a slower pace, which disabled her ability to efficiently select the film she wanted. They probably got back to the house only to find three copies of Air Bud in her filthy, crack hands.
There is a lesson to be learned here, and that lesson is obviously not to stay off drugs. The lesson is this: always put on pants before you start doing illegal narcotics. The next thing you know, you’ll be the Britney Spears of your local gas station. You’ll wake up the next morning with a mild case of leg hypothermia, and you’ll spend money on DVDs you don’t want.