Today I wore panty hose, and apparently, no one under 70 does that anymore. I woke up thinking, It’s a nice day. A little warmer than usual. I’d like to wear a dress, but tights would be too hot. Bare legs won’t work either. I know! I’ll wear a pair of sheer hose. Yes. That is what I’ll do.
I kid you not when I say my leg temperature was nothing short of perfect. It was a beautiful morning, and I felt long a strong, confident black woman. But then I got to work, where my dear co-worker and fashion mentor said, “Oh, are you wearing panty hose?! That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!” I’m sure what she meant was, “Oh, are you wearing panty hose?! That’s so gross. How old are you? Do you listen to soft rock?”
Let me be clear, I was wearing the most classic pair of panty hose a lady might find. They were “sheer,” as I mentioned, which really just means they make you look ashy. I bought them at CVS, if I recall, balled up in a little box. I think the brand is L’eggs. At the beginning of the day they had the obligatory single run, but by the time I got home it looked like I’d been attacked by wildebeasts.
As I rode the train, I realized that everyone was staring at me. I’ve worn rompers and gotten fewer stares. ROMPERS! I must admit, the older men seemed quite smitten, and the older women found me respectable, as they too were wearing hose, because in their day a lady didn’t walk around shaving her legs and galavanting about, or decorating them in patterned tights like a harlot. I hope they are in their beds now, their dentures by their bedside, thinking about how their are still nice young ladies in the world.
Those without AARP cards, though, seemed very confused, as though they had no idea what was wrong with my legs. They could have just put up their thumbs and fingers for an epic “Loser” sign.
I think I made a baby throw up.
In any case, I made my way home just fine and warm, and I made myself a cup of tea and put on my cozy pants. I’m proud to say that I wear panty hose, and I plan on breaking these babies out next week, perhaps even under a pair of nice slacks or culottes.