Diamond Planet: The Final Frontier

Breaking News: Scientists have discovered a new planet…made of diamonds. According to an article in the Huffington Post, scientists say the planet is about 4,000 light years away. Obviously, neither you nor I knows what that means, but I just go with it so that you seem smart. What’s more, there is believed to be oxygen on this new iced out planet. WORD.

Diamond Planet is going to be the hottest thing to hit the universe, I can tell already. And I think we all know who will be the first person there: Beyonce. My guess is that she and Jay-Z are already planning to visit. They’ll probably go up in some sort of Bentley spaceship, scope out the terrain, and find a plot (the bossiest and flossiest) to build a mansion in which to raise their yet to be concevied child, Jay-zonce. Jay-zonce will be conceived on the spaceship right back to planet Earth, but we don’t need to discuss those details.

Upon returning to Diamond Planet, Beyonce will shoot a music video for her next single, “My Planet is a Diamond.” It will include Beyonce crawling on all fours around the sparklies regions of Diamond Planet, as well as her doing some intricate 1920’s inspired choreography (think: Charleston).   The song will be a hit for a minute, until people realize that they cannot relate to it. No one else’s planet is  a diamond. Just Beyonce’s. (Travel to and from Diamond Planet is something that only the likes of the Z’s and Warren Buffet can afford to cover)

Beyonce will, of course, not care that “My Planet is a Diamond” isn’t as big as, I don’t know, “Halo,” mainly because she has an entire planet to herself. No one else can afford to visit, and so Beyonce and Jay just hang around counting there money, taking lamas classes via satellite. One day Jayzonce will be born, and Beyonce and Jay-Z will be so excited, but really confused that no paparazzi are there attempting to snap million dollar shots of their baby. Beyonce will pose and smile anyway, because she won’t understand. Jay-Z will try to explain, but get nowhere. After a few minutes of, Tina Knowles (whom they will have hired as their personal wet nurse), will do all that stuff you have to do for a newborn baby, before Beyonce and Jay-Z get tired and go to sleep on a bed made of gold (because a diamond bed would just be too much).

I’m sure other important things will occur on Diamond Planet, but probably nothing more important than Beyonce having her baby there.

So as we await the wrath of Irene (and some of you have already endured her fury by now), rest assured that there is hope. There is a planet made of diamonds out there, just waiting for Beyonce.


Tryna Stay Off the Streets

Yesterday I was riding home on the train when I heard the same familiar spiel:

“Ladies and gentleman, I don’t want to interrupt your evening, I’m just here selling candy. I’m not selling candy for no basketball team, I’m just trying to make a little money so I can stay off the streets and do something positive.”

He's not on no basketball team.

That part always strikes me. Maybe these kids should be on a basketball team. Or in a band or on the debate team. I don’t care. Any of these things seem more positive than annoying me on the train with your “M&M peanut” (I’m pretty sure they’re called peanut M&Ms guys. Pretty sure).

Anyway, the kid starts in the usual manner:

“I have Hershey’s Bars, M&Ms, M&M Peanut, Welch’s Fruit Snacks in Fruit Punch and Wildberry…” I began to listen. This guy had quite the variety. “Kit Kat, Almond Joy, Mounds, Snickers, Snickers with Almond…”

Snickers with almond?! I was astounded, really astounded. He was going the extra mile with this selection. You could go to CVS and not be able to find some of these items, and here this kid was, just tryna stay off the streets, selling upwards of 10 types of delicious candy bars. He rolled off a few more names before asking if anyone wanted anything.

You may be disappointed to learn that I did not assist in keeping this kid out of trouble, not because I want him to give up candy dealing for a life of drugs and crime (which will likely happen because of my turning down the candy), but because I had previously eaten 3 lbs. of pizza, and I’m postponing obesity for as long as possible.

I am however excited for the future of subway rides. Gone are the days of kids pushing 2 or 3 unappealing types of candy. Pretty soon the 2 train is going to be like Dylan’s Candy Bar. Kids from Flatbush will get on and start with their usual announcement, but then people will start to pay attention:

“I have Godiva 65% cocoa dark chocolate bars, Godiva 75% cocoa dark chocolate bars, Godiva 65% dark chocolate bars with raspberries and almonds, Magnolia Bakery cupcakes in red velvet, coconut and chocolate truffle,  Serendipity 3 Frozen Hot Chocolate, and I am able to make a fresh creme brulee on request.”

Maybe he will have a friend on another train who also wants to stay out of trouble, and that kid will say:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know you’re getting tired of the sweets. Well I’m here to offer you something a little savory this evening. Tonight I have fresh brushchetta, flatbread with olive tapenade and hummus, six varieties of sushi, melon wrapped in prosciutto, and baby spinach with aged goat cheese and almond slivers in a red wine vinigarette.”

People will be very confused at first, but ulitmately happy. The obesity rate will rise (because what’s lazier than having a child serve you delicious treats at cost while you ride on the train, then going home where you don’t have to do anything?) It’s going to be great, and these kids will make so much money. They won’t know what to do with all of it, so they’ll end up getting into drugs and hanging out on the street.

Not Complainin’, Just Explainin’

I’m gonna be real and let you know that I’m quite the crab apple today, and the things that I am finding most annoying are those that, quite honestly, don’t matter at all. Here are just a few things that have made me want to rip out me eyeballs in the past few days:

1. People who speak too fast when leaving voicemails. You do want me to know what you’re talking about, right? I have gotten three voicemails this week that sound when you press Fastforward on a cassette tape. These people sound like 7th grade newspaper editors (I just feel that if you choose to edit a newspaper when you’re 12, you’re probably annoying). These people can’t possibly be in that big of a hurry. They save, what, 10 seconds? Meanwhile, I lose 10 minutes, because I have to listen to their riduculous messages three times over, and I still can’t tell if the person’s name is Karen, Jen or Leon. Let’s all just take it down a notch and talk like normal people. If you can’t leave me a normal message, I’m going to talk in super slow motion when I call back, and we’ll see how you like that.

2. It rained yesterday. I was like, ‘seriously?’ Sure, I had an umbrella, but still. I had to GO somewhere. I had to leave my apartment. It was almost unbearable.

Close those things! (You don't want to know what I had to Google, and subsequently see, to find this picture)

3. Men who sit with their legs all far apart on a crowded train. That old lady wants to sit. You can’t bring your legs a LITTLE closer together? You’re THAT much of a man? If it’s such a “huge” issue, maybe you should just use a car service. I recommend Arecibo.

4. Aunt Dorothy’s phrases. Yesterday she used “I’m not complainin’, I’m just explainin’.” This is a lie, as it always proceeds her retelling an event and why it is an annoyance in her life. There’s nothing wrong with complaining. I’m doing it right now (see post title). Just own up. Another one of my personal favorites of hers is “I’m busier than a one-armed paper hanger.” First of all, rude. Secondly, what?

5. One-armed paper hangers. Get a new job, already! You only have one arm! You must be so tired. Also, how do you find work? No offense, but I’d never hire a one-armed person to hang wallpaper in my home. He’d be so inefficient. Move on, one-armed paper hanger. I’m sure you have another skill or trade. If not, apply for disability.

6. The girl I just saw with both long, red pigtails and bulging biceps. Come on.

Now that I’ve gotten all of this off my chest, I feel much better. I encourage you to do the same, just don’t complain to me, because there is a 59% chance I will gripe in response right here on my blog.

Things I Know

I have been putting off posting this week, because nothing worthy has come to mind. So, in search of inspiration (and sandwich ingredients), I left my apartment and headed toward the 4/5.I’m sure to be inspired between riding the subway and shopping at Trader Joe’s, I thought to myself.


At TJ’s, I searched for ingredients for The Bombass, a sandwich whose names says it all. I can’t tell you what’s in The Bombass, because then you’ll make it and be as happy as I am when I eat it, but you can just imagine. In any case, I left Trader Joe’s (and three subsequent grocery stores) appalled at the price of deli meats and cheeses. I will of course return tomorrow to buy these overpriced items, as my need for The Bombass is stronger than my desire to pay my student loans, or whatever else I would do with the lunch meats money.

But this is all neither here nor there. What I’m here to tell you is something strange I discovered while waiting for the downtown 4. I was walking to the end of the platform when I noticed that, in my head, I was singing the Will Smith version of “Just the Two of Us.” What’s more, I knew all of the words.

It’s indescribable the feeling that comes when you realize you know all of the words to a Will Smith song about his son, Jaden, which is also a Bill Withers cover. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like I was better than every other human in that station. I did. But the feeling was probably closer to embarrassment. How many times have I heard this song? I thought. How many times have I sung this song? Gross.

But then I began to wonder something greater. How many things do I know that I don’t realize or utilize? I think the answer to that question is, for all of us, a lot.

These are some things I’m pretty sure I know or know how to do, but do not take advantage of:

1. I know how to make flannel pajama pants with words on the butt. I learned to do this in “Family and Consumer Sciences” (hom-ec) in 8th grade. My teacher gave me a 100% in the class and wrote that she’d hope I’d continue sewing. Ms. Bober, I’ve failed you. I haven’t sewed a single pair of pajama pants with words on the butt in over 10 years, and for that I apologize*.

2. I can say my ABC’s backwards. I’ve never been pulled over for driving under the influence, and I am afraid I never will be, and thus I will never get to show off this talent. So I will show you now: Z, Y, X, W, U, T….

3. I can speak conversational gibberish, as we spoke in middle school. Ithi-gho, mithi-ghim, jithi-ghee.

4. I know the Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe by heart. I actually make use of this, so nevermind.

5. I’m pretty sure I can do a pogo stick. There’s only one way to find out…Johnny, bring out the pogo stick! (wild applause)

6. I can pretend I’m on a late night variety show at any point in the day.

7. Pretty sure I can read Hebrew.

8. I definitely know how to do the splits, and I definitely don’t do them enough (when I do do them, I hurt very badly and have troule moving thereafter).

9. Change a tire (lie).

10. I can spell the word ‘drone.’ In 4th grade, I was earned second place in the school spelling bee. I lost to a 6th grader. The word I got out on was ‘drone.’ I attribute this to two facts: a) I was 9 years old, and why would I have ever heard the word ‘drone’? b) the teacher reading the word had braces. How am I supposed to understand an adult with braces? Drone: D-R-O-A-N? OUT!!!

These are just a few of the things, along with far too many Will Smith lyrics, that I have rediscovered in the past hour. I encourage you to dig deep into your past and see what things you have forgotten you can do. I bet there are more than a few of you out there who can yo-yo or roll of Joan Osborne lyrics like nobody’s business.

*I think the word was something like “Attitude”