Breaking News: Scientists have discovered a new planet…made of diamonds. According to an article in the Huffington Post, scientists say the planet is about 4,000 light years away. Obviously, neither you nor I knows what that means, but I just go with it so that you seem smart. What’s more, there is believed to be oxygen on this new iced out planet. WORD.
Diamond Planet is going to be the hottest thing to hit the universe, I can tell already. And I think we all know who will be the first person there: Beyonce. My guess is that she and Jay-Z are already planning to visit. They’ll probably go up in some sort of Bentley spaceship, scope out the terrain, and find a plot (the bossiest and flossiest) to build a mansion in which to raise their yet to be concevied child, Jay-zonce. Jay-zonce will be conceived on the spaceship right back to planet Earth, but we don’t need to discuss those details.
Upon returning to Diamond Planet, Beyonce will shoot a music video for her next single, “My Planet is a Diamond.” It will include Beyonce crawling on all fours around the sparklies regions of Diamond Planet, as well as her doing some intricate 1920’s inspired choreography (think: Charleston). The song will be a hit for a minute, until people realize that they cannot relate to it. No one else’s planet is a diamond. Just Beyonce’s. (Travel to and from Diamond Planet is something that only the likes of the Z’s and Warren Buffet can afford to cover)
Beyonce will, of course, not care that “My Planet is a Diamond” isn’t as big as, I don’t know, “Halo,” mainly because she has an entire planet to herself. No one else can afford to visit, and so Beyonce and Jay just hang around counting there money, taking lamas classes via satellite. One day Jayzonce will be born, and Beyonce and Jay-Z will be so excited, but really confused that no paparazzi are there attempting to snap million dollar shots of their baby. Beyonce will pose and smile anyway, because she won’t understand. Jay-Z will try to explain, but get nowhere. After a few minutes of, Tina Knowles (whom they will have hired as their personal wet nurse), will do all that stuff you have to do for a newborn baby, before Beyonce and Jay-Z get tired and go to sleep on a bed made of gold (because a diamond bed would just be too much).
I’m sure other important things will occur on Diamond Planet, but probably nothing more important than Beyonce having her baby there.
So as we await the wrath of Irene (and some of you have already endured her fury by now), rest assured that there is hope. There is a planet made of diamonds out there, just waiting for Beyonce.