Many of you know my tale of the vampire. For those of you who don’t, I’ll offer a brief recap:
Last summer I met a handsome young lad. He was black, and British, and went to Princeton, and I thought to myself You might be alright to marry. He asked me out on a date, and I was much obliged. Until the date, where we didn’t really do anything. He told me he doesn’t eat during the day (for weird, non-religious reasons), and I get the spins if I don’t eat every two hours, so that was a big red flag. We went on a walk (boring), and then to Whole Foods where he bought be cashews for me to eat, because I was very hungry and felt no shame in admitting that. He also needed to get some food for himself (you know, for when the sun went down and his fangs came out) to make for dinner. He casually informed me that he went shopping there every night, because how was he to know what he’d feel like eating that night in advance? He made himself a special gourmet dinner every night. This was ridiculous. I knew this wouldn’t work, what with me eating cashews while he drank power water, but he couldn’t take a hint. He texted me for the next few days, then things petered out. I have run into him a couple of times since, and each time he was armed with bags of groceries from Whole Foods. I kid you not.
Well, guess who I ran into today while having a coffee date with the dearest EmTay? That’s right…British vampire guy. I nearly died, and so did Emily, who had heard tale of this mysterious night creature, but had yet to see him in the flesh. We looked out the windows. It was indeed past sundown. He had a soccer ball in hand and had come to replenish his body and perhaps feast on the living.
I immediately panicked, sinking low into the booth. I couldn’t let him see me. He’d spark up a convo, and I’d had to let him know that I found him totally weird. Soon, he was out of eyesight, but this is when the fear sunk in. Emily and I continued our conversation, but my eyes were constantly roaming in fear. It was like being in a dream where you’re being chased or you find out you’re pregnant but you don’t know who the father is. You know the sort.
Our booth was posted behind a wall of potted plants, and we were able to peek through the plants to see the check out line. This, the peeking, felt very silly.
“This is like an episode of Sister Sister,” I said, lowering myself below one of the plants. It was like that episode where Tia and Tamera aren’t related and one of them has a European stalker. You remember the one.
My great fear was that we would stand to leave, he would spot me and run over. I was ready to sit in that seat until I saw him leave. I would have stayed in that Whole Foods all night. Luckily, Emily has the eyes of a cat (and he had on a neon green shirt) and spotted him in the checkout line.
“Should we make a run for it?” she asked.
No words were necessary. Both of us gathered our things and headed for the hills. I don’t think my heart has ever beat so fast. It was terrifying, and thrilling, and we made it out unscathed.
But it’s not over. Who knows when he’ll pop up again? I’ll have to sleep with one eye open, maybe for the rest of my life. And I’ll always have to be ready when I am in that most dangerous of places…Whole Foods.