Where Brooklyn At?

Sloppy.

This weekend, I will make the leap from Manhattan to Brooklyn. I’m slightly concerned, as many changes will need to take place for me to truly morph from a FiDi resident to a Brooklynite. Here are just a few ideas I have come up with in my transitional identity crisis:

1. I’m going to need a new haircut. I can’t just be Girl With Bun. That’s who I was in ballet class at 6 years old. It can’t be who I am while sipping a kombucha on Lafayette. I’ve been toying around with some ideas, and I think I’m just going to have a barber shave a random strip of my hair, perhaps near the widows peak. People aren’t really going for that “premature balding” look yet, so I’ll kick off the trend.

2. I’ll start using old-timey phrases like atop and ho (not how I use it now), because old is the new new.

3. I will get a gold tooth and will not regret the choice in 1o years or immediately.

4. Brooklyn is a culinary hot spot, with all sorts of trendy places popping up. I’ll have to do something dinner. Fried chicken and BBQ are common now, but I refuse to be a stereotype. There are way too many burger joints. Hot dogs…it’s been done. I’m going rouge. Vintage. I will open Brooklyn’s first Sloppy Joe resto. I will serve an extensive menu of organic Sloppy Joes: Veggie Joes, Grass-fed Beef Joes, Free-Range Chicken Joes, the Sloppy Jose (organic chorizo with queso and salsa wrapped in a flour tortilla). I’ll serve the Joes on multigrain bagels and challah bread. To make the experience extra “Brooklyn” the restaurant will be my bedroom, and customers have to order from the window. I’ll lower the Joes (with sides like StoveTop stuffing and Del Monte peas, for that hometown feel) via a pulley system from my bedroom window. I will charge $10 per Joe, $12.75 for a platter.

5. I’ll get a cat. JK-ing.

6. I’ll start a comedic web series in which all of the characters are based on WNYC hosts.

7. I’ll have to start listening to different music. I hear they don’t even let you in the borough if you listen to Justin Timberlake (and I have a dedicated Pandora station…shhhhh). I started listening to tUnE-yarDs today, so there’s that. And I may try to get into chamber music. It’s not really cool, but it can be my thing, which will therefore make me cool.

8. I will tell people that I don’t watch Modern Family (but I will).

9. I will study sign language, because it’s universal, and people from around the world understand it. It’ll be awesome at first, and I’ll feel like I can really reach through to my deaf neighbor from Sri Lanka and that really smart baby down the street. But when I realize that no one else around me knows sign language, I’ll give it up. I’ll learn Tagalog instead.

10. I’ll harvest my own edamame.

I’m pretty pumped for my big move. As soon as I figure out what to do with all this Pantene Pro-V and my Old Navy flats, I’ll be on my way.

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Travel Mall: Now You Can Order Useless Items from a Catalogue on a Train

Over two years ago, I posted on what I think is one of the finest catalogues around: Sky Mall. Well, just this weekend I was greeted by Sky Mall’s train-riding cousin: Travel Mall. Here are a few of the most useful items in the catalog:

1. Thundershirt: Thundershirt is a baby tee for dogs with anxiety. The Thundershirt’s pressure has a  calming effect for most dogs, so that they don’t go over the edge when they can’t get in to see their therapists. According to Travel Mall, this thing has helped tens of thousands of dogs worldwide. I’m guessing that nine of those tens are in America.

2. The Fleece Poncho With a Pillow: This is a Snuggy on crack. This awkwardly name device is a fleece poncho with a pillow for a hood. It also includes pockets on the inside AND outside. I would pre-order mine for next Christmas now, if I were you.

Grandma doesn't like when Milo comes to visit, because she thinks he's making fun.

3. The Strollercycle: I didn’t even read the description, but it looks like a wheelchair for an able-bodied baby.

4. The Healthiest Deep Fryer: It’s just what it sounds like. Honestly, if you’re in the market for a deep fryer you probably don’t care much about “health.”

5. Emergency Escape Ladder: This is an escape ladder. The picture shows a girl of about 12 years old climbing down, presumably to sniff glue and hang out with the high school kids. It’s just what every family needs.

6. Texas Armadillo Beverage Holder: This item is shaped exactly like a disgusting armadillo. In case there was any question about what “beverage” means in this case, it’s Natty Ice.

7. Food Pillows: You can get 10 1/2” x 23 1/2” pillow that looks like a cupcake, an ice cream sandwich, sushi or pizza. For the lazy slob in your life. (If they had one in the shape of a pork chop it would be mine)

8. Cast Iron Giraffe Paper Holder: This is a tiny giraffe with a roll of toilet paper around its neck. ‘Nuf said.

9. Jeans Lounge Pants: Because sometimes you want people to think you’re wearing stone wash jeans when you’re really wearing sweatpants. These are worse than jeggings. They are best worn when lounging on an ice cream sandwich pillow.

10. Beard Cap: This is a winter hat with a red beard sewn onto the bottom. Sure, it’s practical in that it keeps your face warm, but more importantly, it allows you to make fun of hipsters. Or, by wearing said cap, do you become a hipster? Wait…

The above list is only a small sampling of items that are available in Travel Mall. I recommend checking them out in your free time.

Finally, and most importantly, please note that the president of Travel Mall/Sky Mall is named Christine Aguilera. Her life must be awful.