This weekend, I will make the leap from Manhattan to Brooklyn. I’m slightly concerned, as many changes will need to take place for me to truly morph from a FiDi resident to a Brooklynite. Here are just a few ideas I have come up with in my transitional identity crisis:
1. I’m going to need a new haircut. I can’t just be Girl With Bun. That’s who I was in ballet class at 6 years old. It can’t be who I am while sipping a kombucha on Lafayette. I’ve been toying around with some ideas, and I think I’m just going to have a barber shave a random strip of my hair, perhaps near the widows peak. People aren’t really going for that “premature balding” look yet, so I’ll kick off the trend.
2. I’ll start using old-timey phrases like atop and ho (not how I use it now), because old is the new new.
3. I will get a gold tooth and will not regret the choice in 1o years or immediately.
4. Brooklyn is a culinary hot spot, with all sorts of trendy places popping up. I’ll have to do something dinner. Fried chicken and BBQ are common now, but I refuse to be a stereotype. There are way too many burger joints. Hot dogs…it’s been done. I’m going rouge. Vintage. I will open Brooklyn’s first Sloppy Joe resto. I will serve an extensive menu of organic Sloppy Joes: Veggie Joes, Grass-fed Beef Joes, Free-Range Chicken Joes, the Sloppy Jose (organic chorizo with queso and salsa wrapped in a flour tortilla). I’ll serve the Joes on multigrain bagels and challah bread. To make the experience extra “Brooklyn” the restaurant will be my bedroom, and customers have to order from the window. I’ll lower the Joes (with sides like StoveTop stuffing and Del Monte peas, for that hometown feel) via a pulley system from my bedroom window. I will charge $10 per Joe, $12.75 for a platter.
5. I’ll get a cat. JK-ing.
6. I’ll start a comedic web series in which all of the characters are based on WNYC hosts.
7. I’ll have to start listening to different music. I hear they don’t even let you in the borough if you listen to Justin Timberlake (and I have a dedicated Pandora station…shhhhh). I started listening to tUnE-yarDs today, so there’s that. And I may try to get into chamber music. It’s not really cool, but it can be my thing, which will therefore make me cool.
8. I will tell people that I don’t watch Modern Family (but I will).
9. I will study sign language, because it’s universal, and people from around the world understand it. It’ll be awesome at first, and I’ll feel like I can really reach through to my deaf neighbor from Sri Lanka and that really smart baby down the street. But when I realize that no one else around me knows sign language, I’ll give it up. I’ll learn Tagalog instead.
10. I’ll harvest my own edamame.
I’m pretty pumped for my big move. As soon as I figure out what to do with all this Pantene Pro-V and my Old Navy flats, I’ll be on my way.