We all have things that we’re not quick to admit we enjoy. In I happen to have quite a few, and if you won’t judge me, I’ll share them with you now.
1. “Moves Like Jagger.” That’s right, I said it. I would never actively do a YouTube search for the song, but when it comes on at the grocery store by my apartment (and it’s always on at the grocery store by my apartment), I sing along. And I dance. Am I proud of this? No. Do I know all the words? Yeah. I’m pretty sure I do.
2. Parents trying to curb their children’s crying. I’m not referring to babies who cry relentlessly on the train from Harlem to Crown Heights. Those are the worst and should be given up. No, I’m talking about those special little ones who cry when, say, they drop a toy or can’t find their cookie. When they lose that one simple pleasure, their worlds fall apart. All the while I sit there thinking, it’s on your lap! You’re cookie is on your lap! Meanwhile, the baby throws a full on kanipshin, and Mom panics. Shhh, it’s ok Bella. We’ll get a new cookie! This child knows about the pains of life. She just wants her chewy oatmeal cookie, and until she gets it, she will crumble. When Mom (who is now sweating and embarrassed) finds a cookie for the kid, the child generally shuts up immediately, eating the cookie with joy. I love it. You go kid!
3. Other people’s parents. Whenever someone tells me their parents are coming, do I want to meet them, I think no and gross, why? The prospect of meeting other parents seems awful. Feigning interest in everything they say, maintaining a smile, and refraining from using coarse language. Exhausting. But then, there the parents are, and oh my goodness, they want to buy lunch for everyone! I love lunch. Then, there we all are eating lunch, and the mom is complimenting my earrings, and I can’t remember why I didn’t want to be here. They’ll ask me what I do, what I studied in school, and they’ll find me impossibly interesting, because I am not their own child. The dad will tell an embarrassing story, or start singing, or get severe indigestion, and the owner of the parents will feel terribly uncomfortable and ask for the check, please. Other people’s parents are great.
4. Doritos. THEY ARE SO GOOD. I have an unhealthy affection for fake powdered cheese. Much like “Moves Like Jagger,” I’m not going to seek out a bag of the nacho flavored chips. I know they’re bad for me, fatty, high in calories. If I have one bite, everyone will know that I ate them for the next two days, thanks to their potent and distinct aroma. But if I’m at a party and happen upon a bowl of Doritos, it’s over. I’ll spend the rest of the party figuring out ways to circle back to the table for “just one more.” And yes, I do attend really fancy parties.
That’s just a short list of the things I always forget I like. You probably think a little less of me now, and that’s fine. I don’t need to try to control you. I just hope that the next time you find yourself singing along to the Black Eyed Peas or eating Taco Bell you realize who you really are.