By now, you’ve probably heard the news, and if not I’d love to be the one to break it to you: Kristen Stewart cheated on her boyfriend of forever, Robert Pattinson.
Like most of you, I didn’t think Kristen Stewart could do anything to make me like her less. She claims to never try (great things just happen to her), she’s dating a hot, British vampire, and she’s super skinny (even though I bet she eats a cheeseburger at least once a week). But no. That wasn’t good enough for you, was it K-Stew? You had to go and make out with the director of that fairy time movie you were in, even though he’s married to the woman who played your mom in the movie. We get it. WE. GET. IT.
As I ferociously rolled my eyes over the news, Internet reminded me that celebrities frequently make such mistakes (Internet reminds me of so many good things). Some website creepily called Sodahead even created a fun and convenient slideshow of celebrities who famously cheated on their significant others. Let’s take a trip down memory lane and relive some of recent history’s favorite celeb cheat-bombs:
1. Tiger Woods: Cheats on his hot Swedish wife with 1,000 bar wenches. She busts his car window with a golf-club, like a boss.
2. Jesse James: Cheats on Miss Congeniality with some rando, then gets with Kat von D (which makes much more sense) then cheats on her with like 73 Chili’s hostesses.
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger: It’s revealed that Ah-nold cheated on his gaunt Kennedy wife many, many years ago…with the help…and has a”love child” …who is the same age as his “marriage child.” JACKPOT.
4. Hugh Grant: Busted cheating on his model boo Elizabeth Hurley with a prostitute. But raise your hand if you still love him. Exactly.
5. LeAnn Rimes: Cheats on her husband, some dude I’ve never heard of, with some other dude I’ve never heard of. Then she marries dude #2, and that should work out just fine.
6. Ethan Hawke: Cheats on 7 foot wife Uma Thurman with the nanny, whom he then married. Someone was getting overtime, okaaaaaaay!
7. Jude Law: Cheats on then-fiancee, the super cute and young Sienna Miller, with his kid’s nanny. This all makes me want to either a) never hire a babysitter or b) get back on SitterCity and see where the wind takes me.
After talking with Internet, it seems that Kristen Stewart isn’t the absolute worst. At least she’s only “made out” with one guy so far. And the man, 41-year-old Rupert Sanders, has a wife and kids, so he’s much more in the wrong than the 22-year-old frowny-B.
Kristen. If you’re out there, I have no advice for you. I’ve never cheated or been cheated on, and I’ve never been famous and/or a vampire. But I can guarantee that if you wait it out, say a week or so, something more interesting will happen. Justin Bieber will rob a Home Depot. Rihanna will start dating a dog. Who knows? At that point, we will all forget whatever it was that I was talking about five minutes ago, and we’ll dislike you at the same level we did on July 24.