Emoji 101

A few weeks ago my friend Carolyn introduced me to a new nugget of technological gold. I’d seen the effects of this new development, but I had no idea that Simple Old Me had access to such a high tech treasure.

There is a new language, according to the iPhone, and it’s called Emoji. At first I thought I’d mis-heard and that the language was Umoja (the Swahili word for unity, Kwanzaa principle, and black student group at my alma mater). I was saddened to find that the language was actually called Emoji and had nothing to do with my heritage. But my spirits were lifted when I learned that Emoji equals silly pictures for texting!

Emoji, much like sign language, does not involve actual speaking, but rather symbols. Unlike sign language, it does not involve face-to-face contact, which makes it much better. I like Emoji, because it can be cute yet provocative at the same time. Nonsensical and edgy. Fun and offensive. Of-fun-sive.

Here are a few symbols and some examples of how they might be used:

“The rain is coming, and my suede shorts will be ruined.”

“Somebody farted? Wasn’t me…”

“Guess where I am right now!”

“I just set your house on fire.”

“I’m directly to your left. No my left. Wait. Yours. I am not going to say your name to get your attention. I’m going to use this finger Emoji. This is going to take forever.”

“Hey, twin sister! Do you want to practice our leotard-ed tap dance routine later?”

“No. Stop texting me, twin sister.”

This is just a picture of a gun. I have no idea why this is even allowed.

“Honey, I think Mark is gay.”

“The baby keeps walking through the blood.”

“I’m in the hospital, but I’m in good spirits…still, though, I’m in the hospital…”

“I’ve been craving eggplant all week.”

“I know we just met last night, and I don’t feel confident enough to call you, but do you want to get married?”

Emoji should be used with discretion. I cannot stress this enough. Don’t be surprised if your seemingly innocent text leads to divorce, workplace diversity training, or even jail time. Now that I’ve shared this knowledge with you, pass it along as you see fit, because, you know

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