If you checked the news today, you know the latest: Beyonce updated her Tumblr. (Seriously, it was on every entertainment show and news site…it’s like no one even cares about Jennifer Aniston)
If you were not aware that Bey put new pictures on her social media website, then a) Pull yourself together. Honestly, what do you do all day? and b) Allow me to guide you through the treasure trove that is iam.beyonce.com.
It’s like we’re the same person.
First, you should know that a lot of thought went into the name of this blog. She wanted to use “Beyonce=me.com,” but Tumblr wouldn’t allow the character, even when she attempted to Skype negotiate with 12 year-old founder, David Karp. She thought about a few others, “i.be.bey,” “Callme.Ishmael,” but settled on the current title, because it was the easiest to remember.
What I like most about Beyonce’s Tumblr is that it shows how similar the pop superstar is to people like you and me. One photo is of her husband, Jay-Z, walking onto a concert stage with Nas. I was like, “I totally get it.” Then there is one of her and her friends (read: Solange’s friends) wearing jean shorts and posing beside a private jet. And I’ve been on a plane, so…
Later, we see Beyonce jumping outside of a fake Prada store that she found in the desert. Obviously. Really, the best part of the picture is that she’s wearing fake glasses (Is there anything sillier?). Next, there is shot of her hand, three inch purple nails, wrist being attacked by diamonds, holding a jalapeno. Admittedly, I didn’t really connect with this one, because I don’t love jalapenos.
She follows up with a few friends of “her” friends wearing trendy clothes in desolate settings. I got confused, because I’d been on the Urban Outfitters website, and I couldn’t tell which was which. Don’t worry, I figured it out quickly (Beyonce’s page was the one with the black people).
There were a few photos of Beyonce’s younger sister, Solange, whose braids touch the backs of her knees. Pretty sure it’s all real. Things get dramatic for a minute with a sister shot, Beyonce being glam sis, Solange playing the role of hippie sis (later there is a family pic in front of there house that proves my lifelong theory…Tina Knowles is Satan), before we see Beyonce doing what she loves most: riding a rusty bike in short sleeve fur coat. Per. Usual.
Beyonce then takes a trip to a food truck, walking away with a plastic basket of fish tacos. The truck vendor must have been so confused. Best of all, there is a sign on the truck that reads “Cash and Checks Only.” The next time I buy a taco, I’m going to attempt to write out a check and see what happens.
Next, Beyonce hangs out with some horses, before she hops on an old wooden swing, sans makeup, and just breezes through the afternoon sky looking like a supermodel. In the next shot, it is revealed that she is being pushed by her Jay-Z. “Just like me!” There is also a chocolate lab in the background. I nearly vomited.
By this point in the blog, Beyonce remembers that she has a baby. Here, we get a lovely shot of Beyonce feeding Blue Ivy Carter (or BIC, as she’s commonly known), with a bottle. BIC is sporting a Watch the Throne t-shirt. This is when I lost it. This whole Tumblr I’ve been looking at Bey wearing cute little rompers and silly boots, dripping in diamonds, but she can’t even put the kid in some Gymboree? They didn’t even have to pay for that shirt. That was a freebie. You know who wears freebie t-shirts? Me. When I’m sleeping. Bey, I was with you as you pretended to have a visual disability. I was fine with you feigning interest in a horse. But this? You’ve gone too far. I can only assume that this is the only item of clothing that belongs to the child…and this makes you just like other mothers I know–you are like us!
So you see, Beyonce is normal. It doesn’t matter that her husband is friends with Ye or that she hasn’t done her own hair in 12 years. It doesn’t matter that she has a professional photographer follow her around to snap artsy looking shots so that you and I can spend 50 minutes looking at said pics, while she sips champagne on Diamond Planet. What matters is that sheis.Beyonce, and youare.jealous.