Top 5 Groupons

Groupon has long been my source of entertainment to kill time. I don’t know how it happened, but if I’m waiting in line or talking to someone boring, I’ll just start scrolling through the app on my phone to see what deals are available in my area. It turns out the answer to that is “a lot,” and also “ridiculous-style deals.” I don’t know what has happened as of late, but the offers seem to be getting more and more absurd. Below are my top 5 most confusing/disturbing Groupon deals available at the moment. Hurry, these babies go fast!

1. The Package Tour: New Kidz on the Block, Boyz II Men (or just Men), and 98 Degrees will be playing Barclays Center in June. No one cares, so they are offering cheap tickets for people who think they recognize one to two of the 12 performers. Those people will be wrong (I too am guilty of mixing up 98 Degrees and LFO). But the tickets are only $53.13 (really, no one could eat the tax cost?) when you purchase the Groupon, so who cares? Grab a long island iced tea and watch some 40 year old men perform outdated dance moves while wearing almost the same outfit (with slight variations in sleeve length, collar style, and scarf volume, of course).

2. Helicopter Lessons: I’ll buy a lot of things discounted. Food, clothing, pets, etc. But I pay full price for my helicopter lessons. This makes me nervous.

3. Three-pack of Banana Bunkers: How many times have you thought, “I love bananas, but grrrrr, they always smoosh in the bottom of my bag!”? Twice, probably. Well, someone has invented phallic containers to keep your bananas intact. Honestly, if you think you’re going to walk into the office and start swinging one of those things around, you better be ready to take a trip over to the HR department.

4. Colon Irrigation: Gross. My favorite part about this deal, aside from the fact that it is exactly 61% off, is that the photo they chose to represent the treatment is of  a woman’s bare stomach, complete with belly ring. I’m guessing this shot was taken post-irrigation?

5. “The Quantum Eye” magic show: The guy in this ad is one of the creepiest people I’ve ever seen. At first glance I thought he was Paula Poundstone. I don’t want to see this man do magic or “mental” tricks, even if the tickets are just $23. Also, that’s more than I would spend to see a well-reviewed play. The worst part about this deal is that it is recommended for “Date Night” and “Girls Night Out.” If a guy ever suggests you go see a psychological magic show, you run. And fast.

There are plenty of other awful things offered on Groupon. I’ve come across offers for boudoir photo shoots, beef jerky, and O.B. tampons. There are more liposuction offers than I care to discuss, and, my god, the options for pets! But I love Groupon, nonetheless. Because every once in a while you scoop up a deal for a nice B&B or delicious dinner for two, and it makes you completely forget about that botched spray tan and detrimental kickboxing classes you purchased the month before.

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