Aaron’s Party

aaron carter

Aaron’s Instagram pic.

Aaron Carter was beaten up by a gang of boy band enthusiasts last weekend in Boston, and I think I speak for everyone when I say, “finally.” Now don’t get me wrong, I’d be happy if anyone beat up Aaron Carter, singer of hits songs like “How I Beat Shaq” and younger brother of another life expert, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. But his Twitter confession that the aggressors attacked because he was on New Kids On The Block turf makes this all the sweeter.

You, like me, are probably looking for some answers:

1. How did these people recognize Aaron Carter? Good question. Well, if you are in a gang that defends a singular boy band, you have to know all your enemies: Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC, LFO, Five, etc. You’ll also want to memorize the faces of their siblings. This is tricky with, say, Chris Kirkpatrick and his sisters, but Aaron Carter is a bit easier. He was on a couple of episodes of Lizzie McGuire, and he looks like a jaundiced version of his brother.

2. What sort of drugs is Aaron Carter on? I don’t know much about drugs, but based on his sallow complexion and sunken eyes, I’m going to say that he is at least on some. My first guess would be heroin, or possibly lighter fluid in pill form. 

3. Hold up. What exactly happened with the boy band gang? You kind of just assumed we knew all the details. I’m sorry. Let me explain. According to abcnews.com via Aaron, he  was leaving dinner with a friend when a man came up to him and said,“I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.” Then some dudes jumped out of a car and beat him to a pulp. He did not call the police, but chose rather to post pics of his face on Twitter, obviously. He also claimed to be a black belt in Muay Thai. If any of this doesn’t make sense, please refer to question #2.

4. When was the last time Aaron watched West Side Story? Unfortunately I can’t answer that, but my guess is that afternoon, around 1 or 2.

5. Does Aaron Carter really have a black belt? According to his jerk of an older brother, no. On a radio show yesterday, Nick commented on the incident saying, “he is not a black belt in anything. Dancing, maybe. Dance fighting.” This confirms my suspicion that Nick Carter is, in fact, the worst.

6. Where is Amanda Bynes in all of this? Another good question. There are no reports of Amanda being involved with the incident, but it’s just a matter of time…

There are lots of other unanswered questions in the saga of the boy band beat down, but be patient. Everything in due time. For now, watch this video of Aaron’s hit song, “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It) and try not to punch your computer screen.

Summertime

babyme

Me, as a baby in the summer, not having it.

Well, friends, it’s officially summer, a season I once found annoying and pointless, but now treasure with all my heart. Now, my summer means less work, fewer layers of clothing, and more beaches and ice cream cones. But as a nerdy child, my summer meant no school (and thus less learning), mosquito bites, and public pools.

One of the most challenging parts about summer, as a child, was that I didn’t like the things the other kids did. Playing outside was not my jam, and I knew the dangers of sun damage at an early age. Pool parties were particularly stressful, as I was forced not only to socialize with children I half-knew (this anxiety still plagues me), but also to swim among them. I know HOW to swim, but I’m not particularly great at it, as anyone who has ever seen me near a body of water will tell you. And I was worse as a child. No deep end, no diving board, no splishing, and certainly no splashing. I feared drowning while no one watched. I didn’t like getting my hair wet, and I was always sure that someone had just peed in the pool. I was the Woody Allen of black kid pool parties.

Another “fun” thing that I never got fully into as a child was Six Flags. Surprisingly, I enjoyed the rides and funnel cake, but the rest was a joke. I had to wait in line for nearly an hour for 30 seconds of loop-de-loops, and the theme parks’ other guests were savage beasts. Filthy mouths! I’d think as the junior high kids in front of us for the Screamin’ Eagle talked about sniffing glue, or whatever it was that the kids did in the ’90s. There was always a fight, and someone would inevitably throw up within 20 feet of me at every visit. Worst of all was that we never ate at the park’s restaurants, as they were too expensive, so we always packed lunches to eat in the parking lot. Nothing like seeing kids from school chowing down on 2 lb. turkey legs and then heading out to the car for a ham and cheese sandwich on Bunny Bread.

Slumber parties were also more prevalent in the summertime, but I was not a fan of sleeping on the floor or inside of a vinyl sack* covered in Disney characters. I was used to a certain bedtime, but the other children always wanted to stay up forever talking about NOTHING. I would be so very tired, but I’d never go to sleep first, for fear of taunting. In fact, my anxiety made me the last to fall asleep. And in the mornings, I’d always be the first to wake up, although I’d pretend to still be asleep anytime a parent came in to check on us. When everyone is unconscious save for you and Mom, there is bound to be some sort of interaction, and I was just never in the mood.

Inevitably, though, the humidity would ease up and the days would get shorter. Before I knew it, it was time to head back to school, where I’d be on a normal schedule. I hate that I didn’t enjoy my summers a little more as a child, but I love them so much now that it almost makes up for that. They say that youth is wasted on the young, but I think my soul was old enough, even then, to know to save some up for now.

*I’ve still never been camping, and I really, really don’t need to. 

Growing Pains

Hi. Sorry. It’s been a while. The past month was quite hectic for me, what with work and family stuff, that whole deal with the cicadas, etc.  But I’m back, so that’s good I guess.

As I was riding the train home, I thought about what to write on this fine evening. A lot has happened in the world since my last post (which was about Groupons, a hot topic at the time). Any number of social and pop culture subjects might be appropriate to comment on, but I was having quite a difficult time determining the topic of my big ‘comeback’ post (because that’s what this is, obviously). Finally, I got off the train and remembered something extremely important: my knees have been hurting me. So that’s what this post is about. My knees.

I’m a year older since last we spoke, and it shows! My vision is fading, I can never get my hearing aid on the right volume, and I’m going through Werther’s butterscotch candies like nobody’s business. The most startling change in my body over the past four weeks, though, is my deteriorating knees. Now let me be clear, I have not participated in any rigorous activities in months. I use the elliptical at the gym, which is like the California roll of exercise machines. Twice, I tried to go for a run but had to cut it short after about 15 or 20 minutes, because of a tweak in me joints. I was forced to walk home listening to “Who Gon’ Stop Me,” even though Kanye and Jay-Z clearly wrote the for jogs.

I had nearly forgotten about my bum knee, until I bent down to pick something up on Saturday. I let out a scream, as though someone had hit me across the back with a metal folding chair. You know the type. My knee had never hurt so badly, and I hadn’t even succeeded in picking up my bottle of Sally Hansen nail polish that I’d dropped. This happened over and over again throughout the day. I couldn’t walk down steps or move quickly. I knew this was the beginning of the end.

It’s clear that my knees don’t have much life left in them, so I’m working on a contingency plan. Within the next 10 years I will certainly require at least some casual joint surgery, but I’m thinking a completely lower body replacement might be in order. I’m pretty sure that’s a thing, but if it’s not by now it will be by then. I thought about some lower body candidates that I might be interested in speaking to, before making the big switcheroo, as they’ll be calling it.

Mariah Carey was first on my list. Her legs are famously insured for $1 billion, so they’ve got to be in decent shape, right? The only issue with Mimi’s legs is that they must cost close to $7 billion dollars, if they are simply insured for $1 bil. That’s the common ratio for leg insurance to purchase price. I am doing okay right now, but I just don’t think I’ll ever have $7 billion to spend on spare legs.

Beyonce is obviously known for her “bootylicious” frame, and it’s clear that her legs are strong and sturdy. But hers are pretty pricey too I bet, and by that time she may even have knee problems of her own, what with all that squatting in stilettos. She may want to talk to Solange soon about being a leg donor, when the time comes. I think Sol-y would be a perfect match for Bey.

I figure, If I’m going to get new legs, they might as well be younger and better than my current set. I considered Blue Ivy, because as mentioned above, the Knowles’ have gams for days. But in 10 years she’ll only be 11, and I’d look ridiculous with 11 year old legs underneath my 36 year old upper body. But a 19- year-old won’t be too young or small to provide me with legs, and that’s why I think Quvenzhané Wallis might be my girl. She’s got a lot going for her, and I think by that point her legs might be a perfect fit for my body. Now you may be thinking “that’s so creepy, she’s just a child,” or “wait, what about her own legs?” To you haters I say, shut up and let me have my teen legs!

But for now, I’ll take it super easy on my joints by hardly exercising and walking as little as possible. If I could get my hands on a Segway, I wouldn’t be mad. And I’ll be and eating lots of dairy products, because calcium = strong bones = I’m going to be having a lot of ice cream this summer. Minimal movement is the way to go until I save up. And if all else fails, I’m sure Amanda Bynes will just Tweet-offer me her legs for free.