Aaron Carter was beaten up by a gang of boy band enthusiasts last weekend in Boston, and I think I speak for everyone when I say, “finally.” Now don’t get me wrong, I’d be happy if anyone beat up Aaron Carter, singer of hits songs like “How I Beat Shaq” and younger brother of another life expert, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. But his Twitter confession that the aggressors attacked because he was on New Kids On The Block turf makes this all the sweeter.
You, like me, are probably looking for some answers:
1. How did these people recognize Aaron Carter? Good question. Well, if you are in a gang that defends a singular boy band, you have to know all your enemies: Backstreet Boys, N*SYNC, LFO, Five, etc. You’ll also want to memorize the faces of their siblings. This is tricky with, say, Chris Kirkpatrick and his sisters, but Aaron Carter is a bit easier. He was on a couple of episodes of Lizzie McGuire, and he looks like a jaundiced version of his brother.
2. What sort of drugs is Aaron Carter on? I don’t know much about drugs, but based on his sallow complexion and sunken eyes, I’m going to say that he is at least on some. My first guess would be heroin, or possibly lighter fluid in pill form.
3. Hold up. What exactly happened with the boy band gang? You kind of just assumed we knew all the details. I’m sorry. Let me explain. According to abcnews.com via Aaron, he was leaving dinner with a friend when a man came up to him and said,“I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.” Then some dudes jumped out of a car and beat him to a pulp. He did not call the police, but chose rather to post pics of his face on Twitter, obviously. He also claimed to be a black belt in Muay Thai. If any of this doesn’t make sense, please refer to question #2.
4. When was the last time Aaron watched West Side Story? Unfortunately I can’t answer that, but my guess is that afternoon, around 1 or 2.
5. Does Aaron Carter really have a black belt? According to his jerk of an older brother, no. On a radio show yesterday, Nick commented on the incident saying, “he is not a black belt in anything. Dancing, maybe. Dance fighting.” This confirms my suspicion that Nick Carter is, in fact, the worst.
6. Where is Amanda Bynes in all of this? Another good question. There are no reports of Amanda being involved with the incident, but it’s just a matter of time…
There are lots of other unanswered questions in the saga of the boy band beat down, but be patient. Everything in due time. For now, watch this video of Aaron’s hit song, “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It) and try not to punch your computer screen.