Toddler in a Toy Machine

A missing toddler was found unscathed in a claw toy machine in Nebraska. This raises many questions.

Why are toddlers allowed at bowling alleys (it seems like there should be a 4 and up rule…toddlers can’t bowl, and even I feel unsafe at bowling alleys, although I’m bigger than most everything there)? How insecure are claw toy machines? Why aren’t the rest of us trying to steal all the teddy bears we can right now? How many toys did the kid take? What is “Nebraska?”

I think the most important thing is that the toddler was found unharmed. The second most important thing is that someone took this amazing Twit pic. I mean! That kid is having a blast and also hates his mother. He’s going to be a nightmare.

All told, this story had a pretty great ending. Things might not have ended so well had he been found in certain other parts of the bowling alley:

1. Behind the bar. The risk of being behind the bar wouldn’t be the possibility of the kid consuming alcohol. Honestly, he’s probably no stranger to Bud Light, and that’s all they serve at those places anyway. But bowling alley bartenders are typically unresponsive, often borderline comatose. The police might scour the place, while the leather-skinned bartender stands there chomping on some Juicy Fruit, shaking her head like “no idea where that lil guy could be.” Meanwhile the kid plays with a toy truck by her feet. He runs the truck over her foot, and she’s like “ah, keep forgetting to put out those mouse traps.”

2. Through the ball return-y machine. There might be a group of office workers on a team building outing. They’re nearing the end of their first game, everyone is finally starting to loosen up, when Charlene bends over to retrieve her 6 pounder. She’s on a roll. But instead of her ball, the machine spits out a toddler. Totally kills the mood. Charlene is like, “does this belong to someone?”

3. Outside smoking with the bikers. This would just be a terrible place to find a child.

4. At the end of a lane before a strike. The kid is chilling behind the pins, and Charlene has finally gotten back into the groove after that other incident. She’s feelin’ real smooth and does a fancy leg behind the other leg bowl, and everyone is all “Yeah, Charlene! Strike!” And Charlene is like, “Oh my god, is that a child!” The drunk guy at the lane over goes, “Hey, anybody seen Lil TJ?” Everyone screams. Charlene decides not to have children.

I’m not a parent, but I’ve obviously got lots of good advice for those with children. If you’re going to bring your wee ones to a death trap such as the bowling alley, try and keep an eye on them. My guess is that this was gone for a solid 10 minutes before anyone noticed. He probably made the rounds before ending up inside that machine, and it probably took him a while to get in there once he’d arrived at his destination. And if a kid can get in that thing, God knows what else was floating around in that pool of dusty toys. I actually can’t even think about it. So, the next time you bring the baby to bowl, put a leash or something on him, or expect to be put on Twitter blast.

UPDATE: It seems the child actually went missing from his home? They weren’t even at the bowling alley! I don’t know where to begin.

Unusually Thicke

I was walking home when I saw Dr. Jason Seaver staring at me from atop a taxicab. Oh, I was pleased. TV dads and in-your-face advertising are two of my favorite things. But then I read the text above Dr. Seaver’s (aka Robin Thicke’s dad) head and nearly got sick on the sidewalk.

Apparently, Alan Thicke has a new reality show called “Unusually Thicke.” Gross, I know. It’s the most disgusting thing I’ve heard all day. The show, like all reality shows, is about nothing, and it airs on TV Guide Network, which I don’t think is real.

Now, the more that entertainment changes, the more I realize how out of tune I am with what people find entertaining (I don’t think I could watch any Housewife for more than 10 minutes without calling my mom to thank for…for everything). But I’m pretty sure my feeling that this show sounds a) super boring and b) very misleading, is shared by many. I mean, Alan Thicke played Dr. Seaver 20+ years ago. Who even cares about him? He’s only famous now because his son is a chart-topping sleaze ball. But Robin Thicke can’t be on every episode of the show. He’s got a lot of sunglasses shopping and strip-clubbing in Miami to do. The elder Thicke better think of a few ways to make this show interesting if he wants a second season on “TV Guide Network.” Below are a few tips, Mr. Thicke:

1. A marriage on the rocks makes for great TV. Consider dating Vivica A. Fox. I’m sure she’d be down, and I bet your son has some connections (maybe don’t tell him what you need her number for…or do. Weak moral fiber makes for a great wingman!).

2. Get a pet. Cat’s are internet-funny, but only when they can play the piano or something. You could have a camera out all day, and a cat might just sit behind the couch staring at the wall. I’d go for a dog if I were you. They’re cute and lovable, and they make big messes that you’ll get really angry about (TV gold!). If you can’t get your hands on a canine, try to find a parrot that can sing “Blurred Lines.” Guarantee there’s one out there.

3. Come home one day with hair extensions that are only like two inches long, just at the ear. This will really confuse and upset your wife, and make things even steamier with Vivica A!

4. Try to learn a new language. Not only will this expand your mind and open up opportunities for you, but it will make for some hilarious (if terribly, terribly offensive) restaurant scenes.

5. Throw a birthday party for Robin. This will undoubtedly be the highest rated episode of the season. Invite Paula, but don’t tell Rob. Also invite the cast of “Growing Pains,” because it’s been FOREVER. Do you have other children? No one cares. Invite them if you want, but make sure those others are there. And have plenty of mixers on hand.

6. Babysit your grandchild. You don’t know anything about kids these days! You’ll probably learn what Molly is. Your grandchild is three.

7. Dump your wife and marry Vivica A. Fox. It’s tough decision, but you know. Ratings. Invite Mary J. Blige to sing “Be Without You” as your bride walks/body rolls down the aisle.

Oh what fun this will be! Will things work out with Viv? Do you secretly like your extensions? Your wife is pregnant! Did Robin come up with the name for your show? Everyone will have to tune in to find out!