Hey, Girl

I was walking down the street on Thursday when a man driving a horse-drawn carriage looked down at me from atop his steed and said, “Hello” in a suggestive manner. It was unexpected. I paused to gather my feelings. 

On any other occasion, I might have lost it. I’ve had it up to here (my hand is by my hip) with men hollering on the street. I don’t know you. I don’t want to talk to you. If I see someone with great shoes, I don’t say Daaaaammnnnnnnn, look at those Rachel Comeys! Let me try those on, girl. I think it, but I have a solid grasp on respect, boundaries, etc, so I keep my thoughts to myself. So when men act that way, I’m like pull yourself together. Don’t you see shoes every day?

But this was different. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. Admittedly, hello isn’t the worst thing someone can say. And the moment was undeniably silly. The man was wearing a jaunty top hat and a coat with tails in the middle of August. He was sitting atop a giant, sad, stinky horse. And he thought, I’m going to get that lady’s attention. I laughed. No disrespect to him. People have to pay the bills, and jobs are hard to come by. While I dislike the horse carriage industry for many reasons (not only are the animals mistreated, but they smell terrible, poop everywhere, and almost run me over on a bi-weekly basis), I understand that many have to take such jobs. But I don’t know if it’s not really a “chick magnet” job, like firefighting or being Magic Mike. And there he was, trying his best. It’s not like he’d intended on thinking outside the box, but ultimately he did present me with a rare and original scenario. I appreciated that. 

After that day, I decided that there are a few individuals who could make a pass at me without inciting outrage: 

1. A sad clown leaving a children’s birthday party (the guy isn’t actually sad, he just has a frown painted on his face). 

2. A high school nerd surrounded by a bunch of his meat head classmates about to clobber him (I’d blow Little Nerdy a kiss, and the bullies would be super impressed and offer him high fives). 

3. Ginuwine, but only if he did it via his hit 2003 jam “In Those Jeans.”

4. A dachsund. 

5. A bow-tied professor, as part of a class lesson on what not to do (the course is Theory of Dating?)

6. The guide on a double decker NYC tour bus, through the microphone, like it’s part of the tour. 

I’m sure there are other exceptions. It’s not that I would fall in love with any of these people, but they wouldn’t send me into a rage, and that’s a good place to start. Same old, same old gets a bit trying after 6 years in New York City. If a man is truly interested in a woman, he should try a more delicate approach, or at least something unexpected.  We hear this stuff all the time. If you can, try to get your hands on a work animal, or at least a top hat.